fastingfromsexforoneyear

One year deployed at last your back but where are you?  It is past noon you should have been here but your not.  You don’t pick up the phone and I am afraid.  Did you get into trouble?  Are you doing things that could hurt your career or us.  You never showed up… as a result our child misssed speach therapy.  What was more important than your childs education.  As far as I have noticed Iraq has changed you for the better so what is this today?  Don’t relapse, please stay the way you are don’t change.  Keep us your number one priority.    Call if something comes up but don’t just vanish.  Is this because I have acting rehearsals tonight for the movie?  Did you just think you could just vanish for the day and that I would miss rehearsal.  You are dead wrong I will leave our child with a friend and taxi to the rehearsal?  Seriously if it is the movie tell me but never prevent our child from getting the education needed to fix this articulation disability.  

Many Military wives say they worked so hard to be true to their spouse during the deployment.  Thankfully the deployment is over and all the woman around me including myself have been reunited with our spouse.  Now the bigger question remains.  Is something wrong that not just I but other woman I have come across have seen being faithful as hard work.  Should it not be work to be faithful?  I have heard the deployed soldiers look at married woman such as myself with disgust at such a statement. 

Now on to an entirely different topic when a person deploys you seem to either magnify the problems in your relationship or live in denial about your problems.  I have come to the conclusion that to be a military wife you must not be an insecure individual.  The military demanding inconsistent schedules can leave a lot to the imagination.  If your spouse has to leave at midnight to check in on his soldiers at the barracks you might ask your self if he is off to an affair or God only knows…  Than you could just trust the spouse to be a hard devoted worker and is doing just as he stated.

Why are nights so lonely? why is that the time of utter despair?  Having someone to talk to until you fall asleep is so great.  The sadness is like a potion which prevents sleep.  I long to sleep seeing every day is a great day but I dread the nights like the black plague.  The overwhelming sense of sadness is so intense I find myself watching tv for hours on end just to find some type of satisfaction or fulfilment.  Do many people experience this.  It’s like sadness is a ghost that lingers when the sun goes down.  Maybe some type of a nightly routine could be beneficial to distracting this negative sense of emotions.  I never experienced this type of sadness at night when my Husband was home.  I just wish he would leave this war in Iraq already.  Just last night our little one was crying saying he missed his Daddy… well I do too.

My 2 week emotional affair is over but I think of his fantasies of sitting next to a woman in a skirt with no panties in places ranging next to him in a plane and even the movie theater.  To many a sexual pervert to me the ideal sex fein.  How do you get over someone when everything you look at reminds you of them? I can’t get away!  I needed an escape so I finally bought a vibrating toy for myself today.  11 month into deployment and it is now that I buy a toy. The purpose of the toy is to escape to that rather than this other mans arms. Yet while their I learned of toys I never could fathom.  I discovered for woman who prefer their mans anatomy they have clay molds that once dried up is a complete replica of his anatomy and even serves the same purpose as “the rabbit.”… yes this molding you make of your mans anatomy vibrates!   It made me think, would it be wrong tell someone other than your spouse to send you that, you know a clay molding of their anatomy?  Its not like your cheating its just a replica of a mans anatomy just like any other “pleasure toy” out their…  I can’t believe the way I am thinking this is beyond desparate.  I explained to the teller it was either this toy or the arms of another man not my husband and I refuse to cheat.  The teller told me that is a pleasant surprise because i would be amazed how many military wives go their with men who are not their husbands to buy toys for their pleasure.  While I do share my sexual desire or thoughts I do not act out on it and this is what does set me apart from the ones that do eventually cheat.

Two weeks ago we talked by instant messenger you filled a void, than we began talking on the phone, things escalated so quickly.  I love the way you talked to me.  I love the way you are. I love how we think alike and accepting of my sexual addictions. Sexual addictions such as being a swinger or being in threesomes as well.  You get me, you never judged me. I feel I have known you my entire life it was so easy to open up to you.  While some fall slow you fell fast and hard for me and I you.  You said you loved me, you believed it and I could tell.  Thank God we live miles apart to not act on our feelings.  You have promised me the world and to fulfill my every desire.  All desires except to not fall in love.  We are a tragic story seeing I am wed to someone else who I do hope to grow old with.  This story should have never began but having no contact with my man for 2 month of his deployment made me weak and vulnerable to your smooth flattery.  I have never found something more enticing than porn to get off until I met you. While my Husband is sexually tame, he always satisfies me sexually.  Yet you are the wild sexual beast that I too am just hiding inside.  We can never be. I don’t blame you or my man but myself. I should have done more I should have realized sooner my Husband wasn’t active in my life.  

Slowly I pick up the pieces trying to regroup my devotion for my Husband deployed in Iraq.  A man who I have had no relationship with, for the past two month seeing he has had no access to Internet or phone… or so I thought.  I just found out he has had access…  Why hasn’t he contacted me.  I didn’t mess up until 2 weeks ago so where was he the month and half prior.  I realize now I was more vulnerable than ever when my friend from the past had contacted me.  I see now why I desired companionship. I never realized that my Husband had just stopped contacting me because I was in denial.  I wanted to believe he had no access to phone or Internet because the opposite would imply he didn’t love me or who knows. 

Today, I put on my husbands shirt and slowly I am filled of memories of him.  Why didn’t I think of always wearing his clothe so It would feel he was always near even when he wasn’t around to contact me.  I go through old photos and trace his face with my fingers hoping to feel some warmth.  I feel nothing.  I love him but I have failed, not physically but emotionally.  Now my shame from this emotional relationship is my new obstacle to overcome.  I have discovered it easy to care for two men but as a married woman I must only care for one. 

It is true out of sight is out of mind the catch is only if the person isn’t contacting you.  I have also discovered if the individual is contacting you, even though out of sight rather than out of mind the opposite applies of ”absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I disconnected my phone and now have a new one, I dropped you from all instant messaging, I sent you a goodbye and you sent me a harsh reply.  I am sorry to you for tugging at your heart when in reality we could never be. I am angry at you for taking advantage of my vulnerability. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to you. I want to make you happy but I can’t.  By making you happy I only prolong our relationship which should have never begun.  You now have now way of reaching or finding me you never learned where I live this is how it should be and must be.

My husband didn’t leave me he didn’t abandon me he was deployed, he was forced to be removed from me into a non loving environment. He is trained to kill not to love… I fear he may have forgotten to love me.

Here is some free advice, The secret to not cheating on a spouse deployed in Iraq is no male friends what so ever! if you think a male is to far away or downright ugly i assure you that is no safety net. I am at last in an emotional affair. No sexual stuff involved but i am now attached to someone who is over 8000 miles away just because he was their to listen. i never meant for this to happen which is why I am sharing this so you don’t make the same innocent mistakes I have. Seriously no male friends or you set yourself up to fail!  I have vowed I would be a good role model and just one month shy of my spouse arriving and it is now that i have failed.  Things have spiraled out of control so quickly that now this “friend” is leading me to believe he is in love with me and has even said he will marry me if I anything happened to my man.  He even had the nerve to joke by saying be nice to my stepchild! How dare he?  He is not a part of my marriage but has so much power to destroy it. If only he been a gay guy. Why can’t I make a single male friend who doesn’t eventually claim to have fallen in love with me.  Yeah my looks aren’t great but I assure you my personality isn’t either.   So frustrated I don’t love this guy or want him sexually but i do want his companionship for the time being, i know if ever alone with him, my desire for intimacy is so much greater that I would surely fail.  Enough is enough and i will simply have to end this friendship.

What is far worse is i should be repulsed by anyone who disrepects me my husband or my marriage but instead I long for a mans role in my life so much more.  Am I using this friend?  I may and if so that makes me even more of a horrible person.  How can I be alone to blame when it is he who is hitting on a married woman?

Something happened in my life recently that has left me feeling very insecure and downright worthless.  Now to regain esteem of any kind I am left wanting to rebel.  Not knowing how to cope with something unfamiliar… failure I seek an escape.  I ponder drugs, alcohol, running into the woods and even an affair.  I know none of these are wise decisions and overall would only hurt me more. Now I am left wondering outrageous things like Why can’t a military woman be entitled 2 husbands. one for the long term and the other while the man is away to help us in our struggles.  Seriously, I thought my hormones were under control but now I feel like a dog in heat and the desire to get laid is so intense i fear for my marriage and its well being.  As a result of failing I feel sex would help.  Sex has always been so conforting to me.  In order to stay faithful it is crucial a women never has male friends.  I was stupid and thought I could have a “safe” male friend seeing he was in another state. Now everything has changed he is into me and I am in desparate need for an esteem boost. This is a dangerous potion for failure! While my instincts tell me to stear away from instant messaging my desire to be flattered and sweet talked is greater.  No longer am I being a role model but a woman on her own self destructive path.  I love my husband and I will never meet up with this other male friend ever.  I am discovering that the more I talk to this male friend the more attached I am becoming to him. I am discovering I look forward to his Instant messaging this is no longer becoming a friend but rather someone I am learning to need in place of my deployed spouse.  I know better than this I need my husband.  If only he would take the time out to write a letter, call or instant message me.  I need my husband to not be a myth in my life but my reality.  He has no access to internet phones…. technology and now I know I am in the wrong.  Nothing has happened but I want it to remain like this.  It has been 10 month with no husband this can not go on. I must reprogram myself to kill my sexual needs.  For a military wife it is better to not desire and not to be desired.  It is best to not long for intimacy or romance. If I could just turn off my sexual desires I would be set.  In despair I wait as my raging hormones and my marriage battle. 

Seeing my Husband is deployed and I often feel lonely I have become the two extremes. I exercise nonstop, really about 3 hours a day and when not doing that I am a couch potatoe. I spend my times watching movies nonstop.  I found a site called freefullmovies.net and to my amazement if you avoid the download part you can watch current movies free.  Movies that haven’t even hit the theater I find on this site.  Because this site has become sort of an escape to me I want to share this site with you . I Hope that this site will be as soothing to you as it has become to me. 

I was at the grocery store waiting in the checkout line with my darling child.  I was excited to go home and I was nervous about an upcoming glamour competition I would be competing in.  My darling child suddenly screams at the top of his lungs with glee ” Mom I see it”  I see mommy your tummy! At the time my stomach was protruding out seeing i had just chugged a cup off coffee and downed some pizza.  I quickly hush him but he continues.  Mommy You have baby in tummy I see now! I realized than I shouldn’t be in a glamour competition if my own child thought I was fat. In case your wondering no I am not pregnant.

 The military bases are under attack by more mortars than you could imagine. Today a bomb killed many individuals in Baghdad what is new?  If cats have 9 lives than my husband so far has had about 23.  The problem is eventually the cat dies.  How many bombs must explode 10 feet away from him before it kills him?  Why is the public so oblivious to the fact that mortars are an everyday thing for our soldiers near Baghdad? We only hear about bombs when it kills many but let me tell you these mortars are killing our soldiers regularly just not so many soldiers at once.  We lose a soldier or two to mortars and it gets no media coverage.  If every single mortar that ended our soldier’s lives were acknowledged by our media than I would be convinced we wouldn’t have time for any other news.  Not long ago a toddler aimed a weapon at my Soldier.  What should he do kill the toddler and save his own life or live the rest of his like knowing he killed a toddler.   This war is more brutal than we could ever fathom.