fastingfromsexforoneyear

Two weeks ago we talked by instant messenger you filled a void, than we began talking on the phone, things escalated so quickly.  I love the way you talked to me.  I love the way you are. I love how we think alike and accepting of my sexual addictions. Sexual addictions such as being a swinger or being in threesomes as well.  You get me, you never judged me. I feel I have known you my entire life it was so easy to open up to you.  While some fall slow you fell fast and hard for me and I you.  You said you loved me, you believed it and I could tell.  Thank God we live miles apart to not act on our feelings.  You have promised me the world and to fulfill my every desire.  All desires except to not fall in love.  We are a tragic story seeing I am wed to someone else who I do hope to grow old with.  This story should have never began but having no contact with my man for 2 month of his deployment made me weak and vulnerable to your smooth flattery.  I have never found something more enticing than porn to get off until I met you. While my Husband is sexually tame, he always satisfies me sexually.  Yet you are the wild sexual beast that I too am just hiding inside.  We can never be. I don’t blame you or my man but myself. I should have done more I should have realized sooner my Husband wasn’t active in my life.  

Slowly I pick up the pieces trying to regroup my devotion for my Husband deployed in Iraq.  A man who I have had no relationship with, for the past two month seeing he has had no access to Internet or phone… or so I thought.  I just found out he has had access…  Why hasn’t he contacted me.  I didn’t mess up until 2 weeks ago so where was he the month and half prior.  I realize now I was more vulnerable than ever when my friend from the past had contacted me.  I see now why I desired companionship. I never realized that my Husband had just stopped contacting me because I was in denial.  I wanted to believe he had no access to phone or Internet because the opposite would imply he didn’t love me or who knows. 

Today, I put on my husbands shirt and slowly I am filled of memories of him.  Why didn’t I think of always wearing his clothe so It would feel he was always near even when he wasn’t around to contact me.  I go through old photos and trace his face with my fingers hoping to feel some warmth.  I feel nothing.  I love him but I have failed, not physically but emotionally.  Now my shame from this emotional relationship is my new obstacle to overcome.  I have discovered it easy to care for two men but as a married woman I must only care for one. 

It is true out of sight is out of mind the catch is only if the person isn’t contacting you.  I have also discovered if the individual is contacting you, even though out of sight rather than out of mind the opposite applies of ”absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I disconnected my phone and now have a new one, I dropped you from all instant messaging, I sent you a goodbye and you sent me a harsh reply.  I am sorry to you for tugging at your heart when in reality we could never be. I am angry at you for taking advantage of my vulnerability. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to you. I want to make you happy but I can’t.  By making you happy I only prolong our relationship which should have never begun.  You now have now way of reaching or finding me you never learned where I live this is how it should be and must be.

My husband didn’t leave me he didn’t abandon me he was deployed, he was forced to be removed from me into a non loving environment. He is trained to kill not to love… I fear he may have forgotten to love me.